Realizing I have a problem and trying to get my life back

2021.10.16 20:26 Loud-Opportunity5247 Realizing I have a problem and trying to get my life back

this is a long post but i wanted to make it as detailed as possible!
i have never shared this story because i was embarrassed to admit i have a problem. but i think i need to let it all out. i hope this might resonate with someone and help me get on the right track. i’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. here goes nothing.
the year was 2017. it was my first day of college which was also my first time smoking weed. prior to that i never smoked and was always a little hesitant to try. my religious parents sent me to a private christian school that would drug test us randomly, so i never had the chance to smoke before leaving the nest. ironically , i’m very glad i didn’t try it earlier, even though all of my friends would tell me that potentially getting suspended is worth the amazing benefits you get, how “spiritual” you become, how you can’t get addicted and all the other bullshit.
first time smoking was an experience of its own because i got overwhelmed and no shit passed out in the middle of the street while waiting for a table with my new roommates. “dude, i don’t feel good.” i told my roommate as i began to feel dizzy. “no, it’s a good feeling! you just need to relax” they said. but my body felt like it was burning up, i got tunnel vision and my eyes rolled to the back of my head as i plopped on the ground in front of the mexican place. you know that feeling when you’re about to pass out and you feel like you might black out at any second while getting cold sweats? that’s how the high felt. and i understand it was just anxiety from not knowing how to ride the high, but nonetheless it was not pleasant. my roommates dragged me back into my car and drove us to the dorm. i remember sitting in the backseat of my own car with the window down and my head tilted back. i felt that if i move i would definitely pass out again. i have to say tho, the munchies from my first high were amazing. we had fruity pebbles at 2am and it tasted like the most scrumptious cuisine i have ever tried. i passed out cold.
after that incident i did not want to smoke again. it wasn’t a good experience. i would take a hit here and there at a party but it would never get me “high”. because i was scared i would black out again. that was until my junior year when i moved into a new place with a new roommate i met on facebook. Let’s call her Katy. Katy was a plug. I didn’t really care much because i just needed a roommate and she seemed like a very decent person. At first I didn’t care about her “product” but then she started inviting me to smoke with her in the backyard, or giving me “samples” and that’s when i got into it. it was so easy because i always had a plug available literally across the hall. i started off with buying just 2gs from her that would last me a whole week. that year was fine because i still had to leave the house for classes and had a lot of responsibilities so i would only smoke a few times a week before bed or socially. but then came march 2020. covid happened and i went to stay with my parents because classes went online i though “fuck it, they have a pool and live in the south. i’m gonna go home for a few weeks until this virus goes away!” HA!
i picked up an 1/8 from katy (which was a lot for me) and drove 6 hours home. that’s when it hit me. the BOREDOM. not leaving the house, being on an extended spring break and not having any responsibilities made me turn to weed. because it turns doing nothing into doing something. it gives you an excuse to be lazy. suddenly days started flying by. i didn’t even notice how the break was over and it was time for me to start classes again. but an 8am online zoom class seemed like such a pain in the ass. for the first two weeks i would still push thru it but then i would start smoking during our class break and then eventually i would not even bother joining the online lecture because the professors would record the sessions anyways and i thought “fuck it, i’ll just do it on my own time. where’s my bowl?” at this point after just a month or so of being isolated, my 2gs a week turned into 10gs. the money i saved up to go on a trip (prior to the pandemic happening) i wasted on weed i bought from a guy i met on tinder.
this is the same time i decided to buy myself an xbox to alleviate the boredom. so i resorted to waking up, getting baked, occasionally turning my zoom lecture on in the background and playing video games all day. the fucked up part is that the professors made the classes extremely easy due to the pandemic and i would still not even try. i missed my midterm assignment because i thought it was a waste of time. that’s when i started losing interest in school. i hated the zoom classes. i hated not seeing people. i got depressed. i was lonely. for the first time in my life. and you already know what the solution to the problem was. just take another hit and forget about it. it doesn’t matter anyways. nothing does if you’re high.
i lost over a year of my life, completely wasting my days to get high. it doesn’t even work anymore and i still do it. just so i can get through the day. what i though was a solution to my problems turned into a problem of its own. it turned into a crutch. i knew i had a problem when i realized that nothing interest me anymore. i ignored people. calls. texts. emails. bills. parking tickets. i went from being on the deans list to failing my classes because i had no motivation or desire to do anything with my life. why would i?
The whole year of 2020 i was clinically depressed, always smoking, gained weight, never left my house and completely fell back in life. another mistake i made was leaving my parents house after two months. i didn’t like that they made me do stuff and wanted me to get out of my room or go outside. i didn’t like being told what to do with my life because all i wanted to do was be high. so i packed my stuff and drove back to my college town. just so i can do what i wanted to do alone. which is doing completely nothing while being in a constant fog. and that lasted for the past year. i just threw a year of my life away to stay in my room alone and try and get high. but it was never enough. it just didn’t work anymore. and it was SO frustrating because one hit used to do wonders and now i could go through a whole indica cart in a day or so and it would just make me sleepy. there is a difference between a real high and a tolerance high so after smoking daily for a year and a half, even after 5-7 joints i would barely feel anything. just laziness taking over my body. gluing me to my bed. the depression took over and eventually weed turned into reaching for my anxiety meds on my nightstand followed by having a breakdown on my bathroom floor because i failed another class and felt like a waste of life. the solution was of course another joint or something similar. then it came to a point where i mixed my anxiety meds, my a.d.d stimulant, weed, and another popular psychedelic and topped it off with a few shots of liquor in the same night. that’s how i “celebrated” my last weekend in college before moving away because just bud alone wasn’t doing it for me anymore. that night at 4am, while being completely high out of my mind on a mix of my prescription drugs, psychedelics and alcohol, i separated from my friends and drove 40 MINUTES to see a guy i used to have feelings for to tell him how much i hate him only to vomit all over my car and have him threaten to call the police on me. Sober me would’ve never done that. I would never even talk to him if i was sober. I don’t know what drove me to do it.
i don’t remember driving home or getting in my bed. i don’t know how i didn’t die that night. that was my wake up call. a wake up call to delete his phone number, but not to stop the abuse i did to my body. i spent the next day violently throwing up and shaking from the constant hot and cold flashes.
i spent my 22nd birthday alone. in my room. being high. i didn’t even pick up the phone when my parents called me. i didn’t give a shit that it was my birthday or that they wanted to talk to me. i didn’t give a shit about anything at that point. i told them i was “busy with school” (which was always the excuse to not pick up the phone when i’m stoned) when in reality i have been failing and skipping all of my classes and had no motivation or desire to talk on the phone with the people who love me the most on my own birthday. i would rather isolate myself, smoke and be on my phone until my high puts me to sleep than move my mouth around to form sentences. that’s what i did to myself. i replied with a quick “thanks😊 “to my parents, took a hit of my pen and turned off the lights in my room. i started bawling my eyes out. i hated my life at that point and nothing made me happy. video games weren’t fun anymore and my social anxiety went thru the roof. even meeting my delivery driver after ordering another sound of take out was terrifying. i would just ask them to leave the food at the door so i could avoid any unnecessary human contact . walking outside to take out the trash felt like a huge accomplishment because most days i wouldn’t even bother leaving my room, yet alone my house.
i knew something was wrong with me but i didn’t want to admit it to myself. every problem had an easy fix which was to get high and drift away from any responsibilities. even though it was my birthday and i had people wanting to talk to me or spend time with me, i convinced myself that i am better off alone in my room because i was constantly depressed, confused on what i want in life and playing the victim while feeling bad for myself because it would make that next joint like a reward for my “sufferings”. There weren’t any sufferings that i haven’t brought upon myself. everything that i was unhappy with i did to myself. and it was easily reversible. except i like to feel sorry for myself. i didn’t know that it would program my mindset from “i want to be successful” to “i don’t give a fuck about anything” mindset. and weed is the perfect tool for you to get there.
late spring i went to see a psychiatrist for the first time in years. got put on anti depressants. started therapy. i was able to land a good job this summer but i blew all the money i made from it on weed. it was only a temporary job so i managed to pull thru it for my resume. i would still get stoned every day after work in my car but i was doing something with my life. it was progress. i was proud of myself.
the last two months have been spent doing absolutely nothing. no job. no school. but i started slowly to take control over my life back. i think someone is looking out for me because right now i’m packing all of my stuff to move to the other side of the country to teach painting. i got a very good job offer that i did not expect to get. so i took it without hesitation. i think i was waiting for that “breaking point”, where an event in my life would motivate me to change. problem is that i waited for too long. and some people can’t afford to wait like me. i also adopted a dog who motivates me to get out of the house every day :’) i think this is what motivates me right now to get my shit together. a new chapter and realizing that i have SO much to offer to the world.
anyways, day 1 of being sober and i have finally cleaned my house and threw away my pre rolls. wish me luck. and i wish you the same
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